家外之家酒店(Home Away from Home)

At 7pm there was no answer for 10 minutes, banging on the door knocker - no doorbell or intercom and opaque windows. This and no answer plus bags of rubbish stacked up suggested it was the wrong address. Eventually I reached someone on the phone, and they were obviously fast asleep and not present, so I was walked into the building over the phone. I was told the hotel information like wifi code, checkout etc would be texted to me - when it came it was two and half hours later and an incomplete, cut-off message. Despite a solo booking my room was big with two very low double beds like futons with solid foam mattresses. The pillows were lumpy and worn out but the towels were big, fluffy and clean as was the bed linen. Inexplicably, the TV was mounted on the furthermost wall so couldn’t be watched from anywhere in the room unless standing - why not mount in on the wall opposite the beds? It didn’t work anyway, being an old analogue TV with an old digi box underneath, too bothersome to figure out. The electrics consisted of a couple of extension lead adaptors which are a known fire hazard - a USB socket would have been useful. The central light on the high ceiling was down a bulb and inadequate for the room, but once dark there are two bright white streetlights immediately outside, which shine right through the poorly fitting, grimy blinds. So the room isn’t bright enough when illuminated, but too bright to sleep in. With bright streetlights outside the windows, why not fit curtains? There’s also a lot a slamming of doors from other guests and as this is a run-down period house you can hear other guests easily. Everything looked grimy, free of dust, but accumulated dirt, discolouration and just worn out. However the two small bottles of water was a nice touch. But this is the first place I’ve stayed where I genuinely didn’t feel safe, and it’s not clear if the door is locked from the inside as they’re electronic door handles, no doubt installed to facilitate off-site management. There are two shared bathrooms on the landing but both appear to be decades old. My shower took a while to get warm, then scalded, then went cold even at 6:30am - no thermostatic control, poor pressure and an old boiler. A variety of shampoos and shower gels are left in the cubicle but my guess is they’re not complimentary, but belong to other long term guests. There was nowhere obvious to leave the key, the hotel was still unmanned and no instructions were forthcoming. There’s a kitchen but it’s grimy - don’t open the fridges! Through the window the garden is overgrown and looks abandoned. I was glad to get out.